Speaking Canadian, eh?

Canadians talk funny. Not funny ‘haha’ – well, maybe that too but I’ve been told by ‘others’ that we Canadians talk strange. Strange! That’s what I mean. The following post will discuss the ways in which ‘Canadian’ is different. Oh, and by ‘Canadian’ I’m afraid I mean ‘Canadian English’ for the simple fact that my French sucks and there are some in Quebec who can be a tad touchy about their language – so I’m just going to skip it altogether. Nothing personal, eh? I just — you know, better safe than sorry and all that. That being said, it is a little ironic that English has become the lingua franca of the world, no? That reminds me, the following post, like the ones that have preceded it, and the ones that are sure to follow, ‘borrow’ liberally from a hilarious book, How to Be a Canadian (Even if You Already Are One). I mention this only because you should totally buy it! Eh?

Eh? That is of course where every conversation regarding language starts, and most the time ends. Eh? is what separates Canadians from the unwashed and envious riff-raff who live elsewhere (you know who you are). Many have mistakenly associated the use of eh? with the Americans use of ‘huh?’ This is a good attempt but horrifically wrong – the word eh? itself has more uses than duct tape – and that my friends is saying alot. However, for all its uses – it is notoriously difficult to master. Regardless, the use of this two-letter gem remains the clearest badge of Canadian citizenship – to the point where immigration officials continue to use it as an identifying clue. I’m not kidding. While anyone can say, “How is it going …. AYE’! Only a true Canadian knows how to say, “Howzitgoin,eh?” Seems easy, alas I can tell you from experience it is anyhting but. Not my personal difficulty with the phrase of course, but one I had the misfortune of witnessing countless times firsthand. Of course, those of a certain age will know that I’m speaking of the inexplicable (and blessedly brief) time when Bob & Doug MacKenzie became a huge hit with out friends south of the border. In short, it doesn’t work. When a non-Canadian tries to say eh? it is always to loud and too self-conscious. In fact, we Canadians don’t even know we say it. I had a English guest for a few months years ago who asked if we really said that. We all answered that of course we did not – and then the wanker in question spent the entire time pointing it out whenever we did – and as it turns out – we do!

A smart guy would wrap it up here – but seeing as I’ve just opened another beer I’m going to go ahead and give you a sampling of Canadian terms – and definitions I think. The list will be by no means comprehensive, but if you keep in mind that Canadian is what happens when you combine British and US English is an unusual way and then add brutally harsh winters and copious amounts of beer – well, maybe you can fill the blanks in. Okay, let’s have at it:

canucklehead: this one is not is common usage – but I’m trying to remedy that. In short, its a Canadian of limited intelligence. That being said, it is worth noting that it is also used to denote a fan of the NHL’s Vancouver Canucks – but some would say that I already said that!

pogey: EI, (un)employment insurance, a step before welfare. Much like being a member of parliament – its getting paid by the government for not working.

C.C.: Canadian Club, a type of rye. Oops, there we go again, rye is a kind of whiskey. A delicious kind. Not to be confused with gut-rot like J.D. of bourbon. I believe others refer to this as ‘Canadian whisky.’ See also: Crown Royal (not listed). Anyway, goes best with ginger ale – or sipping. (read: shooters).

mickey: a small bottle of booze – smaller than a ‘26er’ but bigger than an airplane bottle. I have no idea what this is called. Not to be confused with a ‘Texas mickey’ which is a HUGE bottle of booze – maybe called a ‘40 pounder’.

beer parlour: a bar, tavern — umm, think ice-cream parlour – but with beer.

deke: vern or noun – to fool an opponent through misdirection. You know, like the running back who makes a last minute move and leaves the defender in his dust. As in, “Whatta deke!” or “I deked him outta his shorts!” Its a solid word.

Smarties: there are like M&Ms but WAY better. I’ve heard that Americans call those chalky Halloween candies ‘Smarties’ – which we know as ‘Rockets’. Two things to note about Canadian Smarties: you should always eat the red ones last and the blue ones make you horny. Well, so the kids say …

duplex: a house divided into two (separate) parts where each family does their best to ignore the other half. You can also have a ‘triplex’ – even higher I suppose.

S.O.L.: Shit outta luck. It seems hard to believe that this term is uniquely Canadian – but that is the word on the street. Can be used to describe and unfortunate situation. Even better – kids are allowed to use it.

Tim Hortons: Well, I guess it is like the Canadian Dunkin Doughnuts (Donuts?). Of course, people from both sides that nothing could be less true. So, they both have the same menu anyway – beyond that – it’s personal taste. It is important to note that Tim Horton was a hockey player who started the chain, which was eventually bought out by Wendy’s – it is almost a cult here with two ‘Timmy’s’ per block and a marketing and advertising campaign that has convinced the general populace that they are the ultimate Canadian icon. Case in point? There is a Tim Horton’s currently wherever Canadian troops are – it’s true.

chesterfield: while I have used this, it is falling out of fashion. It is a term for a couch or sofa. My grandparents, like most I think, ONLY used chesterfield. 

snuck: to have sneaked, as in – “Dude, I totally snuck into the movie for free!”

toque: seems as good a term to end on. A woolen, knitted hat. The official headgear if Canada – keeps you warm AND looking sexy. Sweet, eh?

Now, I understand that I’ve done a great service to our enemies who will now be able to blend in when the inevitable invasion happens. Luckily, we will still know them as imposters for their misuse of eh? and the inability to answer even the most basic NHL & Beachcombers trivia questions. To learn more, travel to the Canadian destination of your choice and drink with the locals. (If you hope to understand a word, you may want to avoid the east coast.) Then, correct their grammer, laugh at their accents and strange words – offer to teach them how to speak properly. They will surely get a real kick out of this and offer a return lesson. Once you regain consciousness, write down everything you learned. You’ll make some new friends and learn a LOT of new words – some of which may even be printable. Well, I’m out for now, eh? Cheers!

SOURCE: Canucklehead.ca